Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I'm not perfect

Pardon me, if this doesn't all make sense. I just really need to get it out. More for myself than anyone else. Especially since, it's not like I can actually say this to my parents.

You constantly make me feel like I'm not good enough. I'm not perfect enough. I don't try hard enough to be perfect for you. Because I'm the middle child. And I'm supposed to be perfect so you don't have to worry about me. I get B's, and you want A's. I work 1 job, and you want me to work 2. I work 15 hours, you want me to work 20. I take 12 credits, you want me to take 16 or 18. I empty the dishwasher, you want me to load it, too. I'm too fat. I'm too thin. I don't wear enough make up to hide the imperfections. "Don't wear your hair like that, it looks dirty." "You've really gained weight." I spend a lot of time here. I don't spend enough time here. "You have bags under your eyes." "I can't believe you eat that. It's so fattening."

I'm not allowed to EVER be frustrated. With either of you. Pardon me, if I don't agree with everything you say or do. You look at the stuff I got for the project for a grand total of 15 seconds before Shooting. It. Down. "I don't think it will work for this project. Besides, I think we have ehough with what I already got." Just like that. Mine is bad. Yours is good. Well you can have your project, your way. Because I'm not doing it. You can do it without me. You apparently don't need my ideas or input anyway. It will be fan-freaking-tastic without my help. Because I'm not good enough.

And I never will be.


leila said...

Oh m'dear. I'm so sorry you feel this way! And I wish I had wise words for you, but... I don't. It's hard to grow up and still live with your folks. You move in a new direction, start to form your own ideas and opinions, and they are already who they are.

I went through something similar not too long ago, and I find myself bumping up against my parents a lot even now, and all I can tell you is that, though it might not feel like it, you do have a choice, as an adult, to stand up for yourself. It's hard, because they're your parents, but the very last people you want picking on you is your family, and you can tell them it's not ok anymore, even though doing so might be scary.

Mandy Quast said...

Yeah, I kinda talked to them about it. Especially the part about how I feel like they never think I'm good enough. And they acted like they had NO idea what I was talking about. It was really frustrating. Even if they don't do it on purpose, that doesn't mean it's not there. Basically, I was in the wrong for bringing the whole thing up. How dare I think something like that? Again, I feel like I can never do anything right. Thanks to them.

leila said...

Dude. That's awful. I've been there. But alas, no wisdom.

Hang in there, little lady! I think you're pretty fantastic!